friendships

Friendships to me, mean a lot; more than I can actually put into words. They are essential to who I am today and important to have, so how come I feel like I've lost most of my friendships in one way or another?

Is it because I work non-traditional hours? Is it because I sometimes forget to send things in the mail? Is it because I don't live in a big city? Is it because money doesn't fall off trees where I live? Is it because I didn't have a car for almost 6 months? Is it because I'm not engaged/married/have kids? Is it because I am embarrassing/loud/blunt? Is it because I don't like being around negativity? Is it because I don't drink/smoke? Is it because I don't like clubs? Is it because I don't have any pets? Is it because I live in an apartment? Is it because I'm not a stay-at-home mom? Is it because I look a certain way?

I appreciate each and every one of my friendships that come and go in my life because they have each taught me something, but there is a distance that has been placed on all of them and not just in the physically sense.

I would like to think that it's not just me because I do try. I send texts, post messages to friends' walls on Facebook, send mail, and think about them each day. Just because I don't call everyday or post everyday or text everyday or can't drive to your house everyday doesn't mean I don't want to be friends. It means that I live a busy life and sometimes I want more than anything to call and chat for hours on end but all I have is 5 minutes and I have to ask myself these questions - is it really going to be that easy to get off the phone? Are they even going to answer or want to talk? Will they only talk about themselves? Are they going to be mad if I have to get off the phone quickly? Yes, I may be over analyzing everything but when it comes to losing friendships, I don't think I'm overreacting. I want to fix it.

I want things to be back the way they used to be. I want to feel like I am needed and wanted in a friendship. I want to be able to have small gatherings together. I want to be able to share the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to be able to give "just because" gifts to my friends. I want to try new restaurants. I want to go shopping. I know I can do all of this with Mark, but I want to do these things with girlfriends.

I don't live anywhere near my best friend. I never have. And I don't think I ever will, but we have an extremely close friendship (closer than most for always living in a different state). We may not talk everyday or even every week but we still buy each other things, send each other mail, and send an "I miss you" text often. She came into my life 16 or so years ago and never left.

So how do I make all of my other friendships like this one?

Love & Laughter,

J